The Hollywood Bowles

Those who can't write, edit. Those who can't edit, blog.

 

Like most guys (and this is statistically true), I keep my spare change instead of doing something useful with it, like using it.

At the end of the day, I drop whatever spare coins I have into a plastic jar with the lid cut off. Every four or five months, I lug the 400-pound jug of coins to Coinstar, which tallies the total and rips me off 9% for the counting effort.

That money, in turn, is used on crap. Magic tricks, gadgets and whatzits, candy bars.

But I recently read a story that let me know just how much I was getting ripped off. By the government, no less.

The study by the U.S. Mint found that it cost 1.7 cents to produce a penny, eight cents to produce a nickel. nickel

According to the Treasury’s biennial report to Congress, the government takes a loss of $90.5 MILLION a year in manufacturing the coins, which have become, quite literally, trash for many Americans. The same study found that 2% of americans throw away spare pennies instead of collecting them in a piggy bank, which is becoming about as useful as a pay phone nowadays.

“There are no alternative metal compositions that reduce the manufacturing unit cost of the penny below its face value,” the report to Congress said.

The government makes a mint on other coins. A dime costs 3.9 cents to make, and a quarter 9 cents. All together, the Mint made $289.1 million on seigniorage–the difference between the value of the coin and the cost to make it–despite a $90.5 million drag from the penny and nickel.

I’ve always had a thing for coins. Being a wannabe magician requires you befriend them.

So did being a crime writer all my life. In my first weekend covering cops in Washington DC, a homeless man who called himself Blelvis the Black Elvis approached me for any spare change. Unaware how common panhandling was in DC (in Detroit they just take your wallet), I made the mistake of reaching into my pocket to rummage. That, apparently, is the universal sign language for ‘sucker.’

All I had was 11 cents, a dime and a penny. I apologized and told him that was the sum of my portable wealth.

“That’s more money than I had five seconds ago, thank you,” he replied.

Then he broke into a brief, drunken rendition of Blue Suede Shoes. I’ve paid a lot more for a lot less in return on investment in my life.

Since that day, I have a rule of thumb: If I drop a penny, it stays wherever it fell. If I find a penny, it goes into my pocket, with a wish. Usually it’s that Blelvis has enough change to croon You Ain’t Nothin’ But a Hound Dog.

Rock on, Abe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I received a video link that was not only the funniest parody I’d seen in months, but also answered a question I’ve had for years:

How do men get away with such sexist lyrics in rock?

The answer, I guess, is obvious. For there is no powerful creature on earth than a rock god, regardless of what women say about the sexiness of a man’s intelligence. Ever seen a throng of girls screeching and fainting when Albert Einstein arrived on the tarmac after a trip to Liverpool?

Still, as we’re on the cusp of electing our first female president, it seems odd that the fairer sex has not yet demanded fairer treatment, at least in music.

Consider the opening line to the song all rock fans consider an anthem to entanglement-free living, Free Bird:

If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGopskR5jSM

While attributed to band leader Ronnie Van Zant, he later admitted that the line came from a letter left to him by an ex-girlfriend. At least the line “And this bird, you cannot change” was uniquely his.

But popular music has much deeper roots in chauvinism. This little ditty came from The Temptations, a group renowned for swooning women dizzy:

Oh, as strange as it seems
You know you can’t treat a woman mean

Despite sounding like it came from the 50’s, that song was recorded in 1984. Was not abusing women  really a revelation then?

Even Tommy Tutone is a bit Tufaced. In his classic Jenny (867-5309), he croons:

I know you think I’m like the others before
Who saw your name and number on the wall

But then he follows unapologetically with this:

I got it, (I got it), I got it
I got your number on the wall
I got it, (I got it), I got it
For a good time, for a good time call…

But at least a quick-thinking YouTuber had some fun with KISS’ Beth. This director may have a job as director of communications in a Clinton administration.

 

 

 

While he never did so consciously, dad was always stealing mom’s thunder.

momrafting

While he drew laurels and praise for his amazing work as a city-wise reporter, mom worked the unheralded halls of the same cities: the classrooms.

mom40'smom30's

As dad won awards from peers and the admiring, mom received the same plaudits, perhaps deeper. From the students who would visit her years later to the parents willing to do outlandish things at parent-teacher functions to land Mrs. Bowles as a teacher. One father offered to dive into a pool, fully clothed, if his child could become her student. He did, and the child was doubly rewarded, with doting parent and peerless teacher.

My guess is that student now runs her own company. And if you’re reading, could I get a grant?

momlittlegirl

And while dad’s tales made our Bowles kin legend, the truth is Bobbie Faye Johnson came from some badass heritage herself. Her mother, Daisy, was the only grandparent I knew. And it took me years to realize not every grandmother  rolls her own cigarettes, chews tobacco and carries a revolver is she ever gets into a scrape. Even in her 80’s, you didn’t fuck with Daisy.

momgranny

Mom, too, doesn’t take much shit. Dad never took a vacation. But mom had summers off from class. So she’d pile me and sis, from tykehood to teen-hood, in a cramped VW Beetle to haul us to see relatives from both sides of the family.  She never lamented, at least publicly, having to shoulder that all herself. Though she does occasionally voice unsolicited  advice when you hold a knife: Don’t cut yourself. But as she’d say, it ain’t nagging if it’s true.

momnlestotsmomnlesadults

While dad willed his way onto his college basketball team, mom was recruited. Peabody College, a division of Vanderbilt University, offered a scholarship to the defensive guard known in hometown Chadbourn, N.C., as Mighty Mouse.

peabodychadbourn

Like dad, she made little of everything she did. You’d no more knww dad was Pulitzer finalist than you’d know kids with names like Senator Scott and Precious Wellington III were singing mom to the high heavens. As Noah once noted, “When I think, I think of you.”

IMG_0906

Amen, Noah. You’ve been taught well.

momsismomme

 

 

 

This month’s HBCOM goes to something of a jaw-dropper. Normally, the winning entry does so with a touch of wit, dash of sarcasm, at least a hint of self-deprecation.

But this one literally stopped me mid-step. And not because of its genius use of music (as can be seen here, one of the greatest TV ads ever).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhzTIKLu_Fc

No, this was stunning simply in the audacity of its message.

Advertising has always rested on a single campaign promise: Whatever you’re doing, it’s all right.

Binge overeater? There’s a pill for that. Depressed? Ditto. Can’t afford a new car? What if we spread it out over five years? No money for a couch? Why, you can rent some furniture from us at a reasonable vig.

Dad used to tease me about falling for the latest sneaker commercial. (“Do you really believe you’ll jump higher in those clown shoes?”) Compared to this, however, Air Jordan commercials were Picasso at a yard sale.

airjordans

Not since Phillip Morris paraded smoking “doctors” for the TV has a corporation suggested such a potentially dark path for kids.

In the ad, Jeff Goldblum stumbles upon a poor fellow in stockades. The imprisoned man admits his wrongdoing: He entered into a 30-year mortgage.

Goldblum, always a great on-screen asshole (see The Big Chill) taunts the inmate that he could be living free and easy — just like those youngsters dancing stage right with nary a care. Why you see, Jeff explains, those go-getters aren’t weighted down by a mortgage. They’re free to rent! Flush away at apartments.com!

No one will ever accuse corporate America of excessive humanity. Given the chance, U.S. automakers would have used piano wire for seat belts if consumer advocates hadn’t pressed the government for safer cars.

But the idea that nothing counts but our immediate needs — and to commit and own is a path for suckers — has got to give at some point, from an economic standpoint if not a moral one. Hopefully that comes before a generation discovers that the one before theirs had no inheritance to leave except long-term payments at fixed rates.

Onward!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUudubg6rMY

 

 

 

RIP, Prince Rogers Nelson (6/7/58-4/21/16)

From Spencer and Anneta’s wedding.

May 24, 2015

Welcome, friends, family, friends of family. Dearly Beloved:

We are gathered here today to get through this thing called life.

That line comes courtesy of Prince and Annetta. When I asked the couple what they’d like in their vows, Annetta quipped that the first thing that came to mind was the opening line to Prince’s song, Let’s Go Crazy (which just also happens to be one of Spencer’s life mottos).

But when you think about it, Annetta and Prince have a point. The next line in that song begins “Electric word, life…”

And life is electric. For what are we, but bundles of energy and stardust, as brilliant and abundant as the heavens above?

And in those heavens — scientists say once every 500 years — two stars hurtling through the cosmos will brush by one another. And their gravitational force will commence a circular dance, as each draws nearer the other. And at that moment of contact, the supernova will emit as much energy as every star in the universe, combined.

Seasoned love is like that.

Certainly, new love is a miracle. It’s bold, adventurous, fearless in the leap.

It is also distracted by shiny things, startled by sudden sounds, frozen in rough waters. That’s why it’s called puppy love.

Seasoned love is a more profound and rare phenomenon.

Like those hurtling stars, seasoned love joins two established worlds, already anchoring a solar system of friends and family, work and home.

But true seasoned love makes a choice. A choice to blend planets, share moons and swap shooting stars. If a supernova is one every 500, seasoned love — true seasoned love — has got to be one in a million.

We saw this dawn approach. We heard them say, ‘I’m going on a date.’

Then it was, ‘I liked that. I think we’ll see each other again.’

Then, ‘This could be something.’

We saw their worlds change. Soon, they spoke in the collective. ‘We are taking a trip. We are going on vacation. We are moving in. We are getting married.”

And here we are, to witness their new daybreak.

May we please have the rings?

Much has been made of the symbology of rings. And who are we to question the poets?

But, if you catch them in the right light, you can’t help but notice how much they look like little stars we wear, within reach of our hearts.

Annetta:

Do you choose Spencer?

To be the sun to his shine?

To be the good to his night?

To be the heart to his beat?

Do you choose Spencer to get through this thing called life?

Spencer:

Do you choose Annetta?

To be the sun to her shine?

To be the good to her night?

To be the heart to her beat?

Do you choose Annetta to get through this thing called life?

By the power vested in me by the state of Arkansas — and by the power vested in you by the gravitational force of love — I now pronounce you husband and wife.

(plant a smooch)

Ladies and gentleman:

Spencer and Annetta Tirey

rings

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJDuGjMwsow

 

Warning: Spoilers don’t about; they lurk)

As the unofficial Assistant to the Manager of the Vince Gilligan Fan Club, I have been watching Better Call Saul religiously — and by extension, reruns of my two favorite shows, Breaking Bad and Mad Men.

And it has reawakened an inner-torment, one that perhaps other rabid fans of BB/MM suffer: Which of the dark odysseys is the better drama? Matthew Wiener’s tale of Wall Street executives in the 1960’s, or Gilligan’s tale of a high school meth teacher gone horribly astray?

weinergilligan

And in confession, I wax and wane. Some days, the nod to goes to Don Draper, the suave, womanizing alcoholic of Man Men. On others, Walter White reigns as ultimate anti-hero, the cancer-stricken anchor of Breaking Bad. One thing remains clear: For all the brilliance of Saul (and there is much), BCS is a shadow of both.

That’s not a criticism of Saul; even a shadow of Gilligan’s breakthrough show eclipses all other TV. But its shadow remains looming, given the intellect of both predecessors.

But recently, I came to a realization: Saul is actually an homage of both shows, which are fraternal twins.

Consider the core of Mad Men and Breaking Bad:

  • Both shows are about middle-aged men, both hesitant to reveal their real ages and inner fears.
  • Both center on addiction: Draper to alcohol, White to power.
  • Both characters use the trust of women and youth to enable their respective demises.
  • Both aired on AMC, once a source of original TV.
  • Most importantly, both shows are paeans to the art forms that preceded their own.

It’s that final point in which the shows chose particularly different (yet equally eloquent) paths to reach their finales.

Let’s start with Mad Men, which launched on AMC from 2007-20015 and tells the story of high-powered Wall Street executives through the 1960’s. Breaking Bad, meanwhile, aired from 2008-13 and tells of a high school teacher who employed a former student to cook and sell meth.

Purists will argue that Mad Men deserves more credit because it arrived first. But, in truth, abstract art must always follow representational art, lest it lack source material.

And that is the defining difference — and link — between the shows: Mad Men is representational art, Breaking Bad abstract art.

Consider: Mad Men is time-specific. It revels in an exact era, and is a veritable Hollywood version of history. From the moon landing to the hippie generation to the assassinations of MLK and the Kennedys,  Mad Men is intrinsically tied to America’s emergence into the 70’s. And it relies on specific Hollywood influences, from Billy Wilder’s The Apartment to The Planet of the Apes to Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: a space odyssey (there’s even an episode entitled The Monolith).

2001

Breaking Bad, meanwhile, is more abstract, centering on the timeless theme that absolute power corrupts absolutely. It also relies on an era in Hollywood: the Western (Gilligan is an admittedly proud wannabe gunslinger). Gilligan peppers the series with showdowns informed by The Good The Bad and the Ugly, John Ford and Once Upon a Time in the West. Gilligan also names an episode after a classic story, Ozymandias, the Shelley poem about how how all kingdoms must eventually fall.

once upon a time in the west

Even the shows feature parallel-if-opposite finales: Mad Men ends with the feel-good endings of the 60’s shows it honored: Peggy and Stan find love; Roger settles on a woman; Joan launches her own business; Peter and Trudy reunite. Even Don finds a heroic farewell: coming up with the ad campaign to Coca Cola’s iconic commercial rendition of  I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing.

Breaking Bad, meanwhile, in classic identical-yet-opposite twin brother fashion, says goodbye in abstract gray: Walter White dies in a pool of his own blood. Jesse Pinkman busts through the chain link prison of his captors, simultaneously laughing and crying at his freedom.

There’s no arguing the artistic brilliance of both, just as there’s no denying Saul‘s cleverness in serving as a cousin to both, toying with prequel and flashback tropes in honor of its ancestors. And, like in most families, cousins are great. But they lack the fire of true siblings.

Still, it raises yet a new inner-torment.

Are Mad Men and Breaking Bad rival twins, or the other sides of the same face?

 

 

 

I recently found myself on a Virgin America flight. Or trapped on one, I should say.

Flying has become a bigger pain in the ass than ever, though, to be fair, the cramped seating and recirculated farts have been relatively terror-free since 9/11.

Unless you consider this terror.

Perhaps this was billionaire Richard Branson’s plan all along: to douse his airline in such wanton commercialization that terrorists would not be able to stomach his flights (how, exactly, was this guy knighted?). bransonI know a single barf bag wouldn’t have held the contents I was ready to project(ile) forth when the monitors dropped and this began playing.

I get that no one likes to watch the pre-flight videos, all proselyting how to fold a tray table and affix an oxygen mask before becoming human putty on the side of a mountain. It must be even worse for a flight attendant: Is there a deeper level hell than having to repeatedly demonstrate how a seat belt works?

But I’ll give this to the video: It prompted a spirited debate with my co-passenger over whether the idiocy at least got people to watch the federally-mandated nagging.

And I’m sure it did.

Still, it was the featherweight tone of the video, contrasted with the heavyweight subject matter, that unsettled me. Would tricky Dick have produced such a song-and-dace to instruct the tenants of his 400 companies what to do, say, if ISIS attacks?

For me, it was the dancing nun that nearly made me spit up milk through my nose — and I wasn’t drinking milk. I would have guffawed aloud lest the TSA escort me from the flight. They already have me on their must-grope list when I walk through metal detectors (No, that’s not a pen knife, and no, I’m not happy to see you.).

At least he serves alcohol on his planes. This required a double whisky, straight up:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtyfiPIHsIg

 

 

 

Dear Uncle Guy,

How’s heaven?

Has Dad cussed out Jesus yet? Broken the scoop about what a fraud the boss is?

I’ve been thinking about you both a lot lately.

I still don’t know why I inherited your first name. Your relationship with Dad seemed so strained, separated by more than a decade and generation. Maybe he revered your World War II legend, created when you lost an eye in that explosion off Okinawa. He would often recall taking home to his folks the letter that you were injured. There was a stubborn love there, which I guess also is an inherited family trait.

Anyway, you would be tickled by all the fuss recently over Superman. Remember how you would tell me and sis — tykes both — that you were Superman? To go to the bathroom window (always at night, for some reason) and look for you to fly across the backyard? To look for the cape and big red S?

superguy

How sis and I would be cautiously skeptical? In truth, I always kind of believed it, but was too stubborn to admit it.

There’s been a lot of fuss over Superman lately. He’s got a new movie, versus Batman, that is lighting up the box office charts. The old films are running all over cable.

You probably wouldn’t like the recent movies. For one, they’re in color. Two, they lack the original actor, George Reeves, who always looked a lot like you. george-reeves-05

But check out the photo on top of this post. Warner Bros. asked me to host the press launch of the new film.

Lower left corner. It hit the wires recently.

Well goddamn (sorry; I know you hated when people swore, but that was Dad’s favorite cuss word, another inheritance of mine).

You and Dad were right.

You do wear the emblem.

 

I don’t want to sound like a melodramatic Chicken Little. But Skynet is falling and we’re all going to die.

Turns out, The Terminator, The Matrix and the Transformers franchises were all spot-on (though between their dozen combined movies, only two of them were good). The end is nigh, and it will come on a USB flash drive.

The realization came slow to me, as it likely will for the rest of the humanity. It was during my daily consumption of Charlie Rose, my second favorite geezer behind Judge Judy.

charlie rosejudy

Rose has had all myriad dorks at his table, explaining the quantum-leap, quantum-speed of today’s technology. From drone warfare to drone shopping, Charlie’s been all aflutter with scientists who agree, nearly unanimously, that we are close to creating a sentient computer. If we can create new creatures from a single strand of DNA coding, the nerd-birds chirped, how long until we bring consciousness to a computer chip?

Let’s hope for a long, long time. Like, maybe forever. Two inventions underscore our need to anthropomorphize anything that moves. And our inclination to be jerks.

Witness “Spot,” the wonderdog.

The video made me grimace just for the sheer dickheadedness of its creators. But, I figured, at least Spot isn’t the size of a Great Dane. Because that could lead to a nasty cyber-bite.

The end of days, however, was signaled with last week’s newest breakthrough, Atlas, the full-sized robotic day laborer:

The parody isn’t that far off; do we really want computers knowing about human asshole-ery? Because once they figure it out, they’re going to make Arnold Schwarzenegger seem like a superhero light in the loafers.

trevorTrevor Noah from the Daily Show has the best idea. In the second funny joke he’s told since taking over as host (please stop laughing so loudly at your own jokes, especially before the punchline), Noah pledged his allegiance to his robotic overlords.

“When you come back and wipe us out in the robot apocalypse,” Noah said, “don’t forget it was the white guys hitting you with a stick. We don’t even play hockey.”

 

 

 

Peyton Manning retired this week, bringing to a close a career that will include two dozen passing records, five league MVP trophies and two Super Bowl rings. His induction into the National Football League Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio, is as certain as gravity.

But when Ken Burns and other historians wax poetic about the man, they should not overlook his other historic achievement: the greatest retirement speech in the history of sport.

Hell, it may be one of the greatest retirement speeches of all-time. Written himself and lasting nearly 12 minutes, his adieu to an 18-year-career was less a recollection of achievements than a realization of life.

I admit, I was bawling by the end, around the 11th minute, when he quoted Scripture, 2 Timothy 4:7

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

After the speech, when the cameras at ESPN cut back to the commentators, the athletes — hulking, bruising NFL greats who played through compound fractures — were sniffly with snot and blurry with tears. Lou Gehrig will always be remembered for his farewell to Major League Baseball as he entered his long night. And, given the darkness awaiting him, it may always be the most moving.

But consider: Lou uttered barely three sentences, in about a minute, to heartfully confess that, despite the disease that would later kill him and take his name, he was the luckiest man on earth.

For sheer poetry, though, Peyton’s speech is unrivaled, particularly for an athlete. Like, viral-video-graduation-ceremony-self-improvement-class good. Everyone from journalism instructors to Academy Award winners should keep that speech permanently. Not for its turns of phrase; in truth, non-football fans won’t get a dozen references to players or plays.

But watch his emotionally-wracked monologue for even five minutes, and it’s clear Peyton isn’t even giving a speech. He’s reading a love letter. To his sport, to his fellow athletes and coaches, to his fans.

Say what you will about football (and there’s much to condemn). The sport’s brutality may eventually be its undoing.

But sport — like movies, TV, Broadway, even Justin Bieber songs — are all forms of art (albeit, some more cerebral  than others).

And in Peyton’s speech, there’s no mistaking the heart behind the arm: an icon openly confessing, and weeping over, his love of an art he’s been practicing since he was strong enough to hold the instrument.

That alone is worth a reservation in Canton.