There are two types of presidents: those who lead by inspiring, and those who lead by inciting. Try telling the guy below this was the byproduct of political bureaucracy. Don’t worry, Donnie: A remedy is on the way.
I’m loathe the criticize my brethren in the legit .media, given the weeks of late we’ve had: Jamal Khashoggi’s assassination, the CNN mail bomb attempt, Trump’s revocation of press credentials of any reporter who is multi-syllabic.
But I gotta say, press guys, come on. Don’t give into the retardation. Namely: please give us respite from our latest tired cliches: “Words matter” and “constitutional crisis.”
The first is a no-brainer, made popular among the 24/7s with Chris Cuomo’s attempt to make himself a catch phrase phrase. Now his colleagues are citing it, and I even heard an MSNBC anchor use it after a particularly vitriolic Trump speech.
What a bullshit term. That’s like saying “goodness is good.” Of course words matter. They make up your favorite book. Your favorite movie, TV show and song, too. How about something more, perhaps, specific, like “he’s grossly overstating the numbers,” or “that’s not in keeping with a speech he gave yesterday” or even “That’s simply not true.” You know, context. They beat platitudes like a rented mule.
The second nascent trope is “Constitutional crisis.” This is more nuanced, but no less confounding. Worse, not only are journalists dropping it like an 8-year-old with a new curse word; they’re allowing politicians from both parties to use it as an escape hatch from tough questioning. Top GOP leaders, in particular, love to prattle on that, for instance, Trump’s ending of the Mueller probe would pose an unacceptable “Constitutional crisis.”
What the fuck does that mean? That Trump is suffocating the Constitution with a pillow? That he’s holding the only copy, with a lit match inches away? This part is just journalistic laziness. How about an explainer of what the crisis actually constitutes? Possible arrests? Riots? Regime change? Marxism 2.0? Democrats are enjoying the term equally, because it allows them the false impression they would do anything to resolve it, despite their impotence.
Even when reporters do examine the term, they explain little. MSNBC loves to fantasize about possible Republican repercussions, especially impeachment. They must have lost count in the Senate.
But let’s indulge Rachel Maddow for a second, to her heart’s content. Say the House opened an investigation that not only proved collusion, but that he murdered five people to boot. Arrest, conviction, the whole kaboodle. 
Problem is, American judicial convictions are allowed appeal, all the way up to the….wait for it…the Supreme Court. And given Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s frail health and Sandra Day O’Connor’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis, we could be looking at seven of the nine Supreme Court Justices leaning decidedly conservative. Do we really expect rulings against the GOP?
How about a couple simple follow up questions, comrades: “How do you define a Constitutional crisis, and what do you plan to do about it?” Just a thought.
But there’s a brilliant silver lining: you. We saw it in the midterms, along with the Pouter-in-Chief’s panicked firing of Jeff Sessions the day after elections to quash the probe. Trump sees the corner nearing as the paint spreads. And given the tone of a very pissed House, expect investigations as regular as episodes of Celebrity Apprentice.
Forget Constitutional crisis. Let’s keep our eyes peeled for an existential one.
And now for the less crisis-y: Factslaps:
- More than 6,000 Swedish men have the first name “Love.”
- Oklahoma’s 2016 Teacher of the Year moved to Texas in 2017 for a higher salary.
- Netflix show ‘Black Mirror’ derives its name from the reflection you see in a switched off screen or monitor.
- Most people believe other people’s social lives are richer and more active than their own, according to a 2015 psychological study.
- In 1985, Neil Armstrong and Edmund Hillary went to the North Pole together.
- Finland is the only country in the developed world where fathers of primary school-age children spend more time with their children than mothers.
- Actor Martin Sheen has been arrested 66 times for protesting and other civil disobedience.
Well, that round of radiation therapy went pretty well. Turns out that not only is the body an amazing self-righting mechanism, but the body politic is an efficient self-lefting one.
Sure, the GOP picked up seats in the Senate, but that was inevitable. We have gerrymandered ourselves into participation trophies in the most antiquated branch of the U.S. government.
The House, however, typically is more responsive to electorate desires because its members represent neighborhoods, not states. And it would be hard to deny the country’s (and, in the long haul, the planet’s) left-leaning tendencies:
- The House turned blue (as did its investigatory authority) for the first time in eight years.
- Women took their seat at the table. As of early Wednesday, 96 women won House races, with 31 women newly elected to the House and 65 female incumbents. That bests the previous record of 85 representatives, according to the Congressional Research Service. And votes are still being counted.
- Colorado Democratic Rep. Jared Polis became elected the nation’s first gay governor.
- Democrats Sharice Davids and Deb Haaland will become the first Native American women elected to Congress.
- Michigan Democrat Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar of the Minnesota Democratic-Farmer-Labor Party will become the first Muslim women in Congress.
Of course, none of this will change course for the GOP, which is now more bound than ever to Trump — including his firing today of Attorney General Jeff Sessions. And do we really expect the president not to shut down the government for capricious reasons — now with empowered Democrats in office to blame?
But those are worries for another day. Yes, we still have cancer, and may still succumb if we’re insistent on smoking (a Trump re-election, for instance). Yes, we’ve suffered hair loss and the nausea remains. And we still have to own the fact that we brought this illness on ourselves (with a little help from Donnie’s comrades). We’re not nearly done with our medicinal regimens. We will have wretched recovery moments. Some days, it won’t feel like remission.
But the medical definition of remission is that the cancer has stopped spreading, not that it’s gone. There’s still a fight to be had, punches to be thrown. So let’s go with partial remissions.
And that’s a fine doctor visit. The beauty of a bad health day is you gain the insight to recognize a good one.
“We in America do not have government by the majority. We have government by the majority who participate.” — Thomas Jefferson
Always be heard.
A good lie is better than a bad truth.
Don’t believe it? Your wife buys a dress that looks more like a mumu for a manatee. “Does this make me look fat?” she asks you. The prosecution rests.
Stupidly, I’ve passed that tidbit on to several people, including my mother. Now every time I open my mouth, I can see the suspicion in their eyes, like I’m about to offer them investment opportunities in Nigerian royalty (which is bullshit; New York bridges are my wares of choice).
We won’t need to worry about deception, though, on midterm Tuesday. You see, a bad lie is also better than a bad truth, making this one of the most honest elections America will ever hold.
I know it’s counter-intuitive, but consider: Our president claims he had the largest inauguration crowd in history. That tells us he didn’t. That he knows the best words. That tells us he doesn’t. That he doesn’t collude for profit. We know that’s nyet true. The Washington Post recently reported that Trump “has made 6,420 false or misleading claims over 649 days.”
First, wow. That takes focus.
Second, that’s actually a blessing for us. If you know someone abhors truth, you’re armed with a double-negative knowledge of truth. If, say, Trump claims in his rallies that the South American caravan poses an imminent national security risk, we know that it must not. If Trump says he believes the Saudi crown prince knew nothing of the assassination of Jamal Khashoggi, then we know he ordered the hit. 
Through his habitual lying, we get a crystal clear portrait of the man — and his party.
This election, the divisions are equally clear, the choices similarly stark. How do you feel about the wall? Republicans and Democrats are clear on the issue. Same with #metoo, white nationalism, immigration, abortion, gay rights, and yaddy. Trump’s diarrhea of the mouth has forced Republicans to take a stand, pick a side (the only Republican to challenge the party leader is dead). 
This is how elections should be. Not clouded by mealy-mouthed lackeys hoping not to offend. But offering the electorate a chance to pick a team, suit up and clash on the field — well aware of the other team’s playbook and strategy.
Which leads to the most frightening truth about playing poker with the cards face up: Whatever the outcome, we have it coming.
And now for some good truths, Factslaps:
- Netflix is responsible for 15% of global Internet traffic.
- In 2013, Disney tried to trademark the phrase “Día de Los Muertos,” a Mexican holiday.
- Emma Morano, the last person born in the 1800s, died in 2017 at the age of 117.
- In 2017, a 10-year-old boy in China spent 2 years collecting 160,000 plastic bottles, raising $2,700. He donated all this money to orphans of AIDS victims.
- The genome of wheat is five times larger than the human genome.
- China gets a new billionaire every five days.
- The Czech general Jan Zizka ordered his skin to be turned into a war drum after his death. It was beaten at times of national emergency.
Saturday Night Live had a wonderful recurring skit featuring Chris Farley as a motivational speaker who lived in a van down by the river.
My favorite was one lampooning air quotes. Farley was explaining why a suburban couple should hire him as their child’s private tutor — even though he didn’t technically have a “high school diploma,” nor did he “bathe daily.”
I used to think it clever parody. Now I see it isn’t parody at all. It’s mimicry.
As a word nerd, I have a few grammatical hangups: misusing “I” and “me;” using the word “impact” as a verb (sardines and teeth notwithstanding); and misusing air quotes. Webster’s definition of air quotes is “a pair of quotation marks gestured by a speaker’s fingers in the air, to indicate that what is being said is ironic or mocking, or is not a turn of phrase the speaker would typically employ.”
Forget speaking. Why, just look at the carnage trying to write air quotes. Never mind caravans and language barriers. We have our own invaders: English-speaking slackwits.
And keep in mind: These people can vote. But so can you.
What is this store’s policy?
So what can be stored in here?
Is Sandra going to kill me in my sleep?
Does this person really want me to have a happy Halloween?
Okay, so what IS the drinking age?
What’s this mystery product in aisle 9?
Who is Timmy really going on a road trip with?
Do they “want” you to steal the products?
Is that a threat?
What on Earth does this man want from me?
Huh?
Why does this seem very alarming?
What can we do in the bathroom?
What am I really touching?
Do you really want to ring this bell?
I think Mikey left his book at home.
Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. — Peter 3:9
The problem with a 24-hour news cycle is that no minute matters. Unless you look.
And this interview is worth a minute. Maybe two. Because it’s around 1:50 into the video that she drops a matter-of-fact bombshell. Nothing CNN could have anticipated, or they would have paraded her identity politics front and center.
And from there on, she schools us all. Her account of the accused bomber is as even-handed as Ken Burns. Her grasp of differences — and how to manage them — should be required viewing for anyone in public service. Perhaps anyone in public.
Here’s to Debra Gureghian, and an official endorsement for her election to any office, in any state, for any party.
And now for other higher truths, Factslaps:
- Pope Francis, Nelson Mandela and Henry Kissinger are honorary members of the Harlem Globetrotters.
- We use the word “Cancer” as a medical diagnosis because Hippocrates thought the tumors looked like crabs.
- Pole dancing started in 1135 AD and was mostly done by men.
- North Korea accidentally hit one of its own cities during a failed missile test in 2017.
- At 93 years old, George H. W. Bush became the longest living President in U.S. history.
- A man once tattooed “Netflix” on his body and after tweeting a picture to the company he received a free year of service.
- Women have larger pupils than men.
Man, I pray to god there isn’t one. Or, if there is, she isn’t a Jehovah’s Witness. I guess the accurate term would be The Jehovah’s Witness.
The reason is simple: I think I offended two of her followers today.
I was at my own Mass — in front of the TV on NFL Sunday — when the doorbell rang. Esme and I walked out to greet them two women standing outside my patio gate.
“Hi,” the older of the two women began. She looked to be in her 60’s, her colleague perhaps in her early 20’s. “I’m Virginia. Are you happy with the way the world is headed?”
I could see the Bible in her hands as she spoke, so I could foretell the way the day was headed. Before I could reference Steven Pinker’s Enlightenment Now (which cites global poverty and violence statistics that suggest the world actually is getting better), she continued. “Do you know about the book that can bring you peace in these times?”
And so we were off. I’m not so much an atheist as an antitheist. Don’t gimme that wussy agnostic bullshit. Pick a side, jersey up and get on the field. I immediately liked Virginia; she was gung-ho for Team Jehovah, and unafraid to say so.
However, I don’t like arguing with the religious. That’s as fruitful as arguing with Trump voters or tree stumps. Still, religious beliefs intrigue me. So I instead engaged — probably more than she would have preferred.
“I’ve actually done a little studying of it,” I answered. “And I have a question.”
Not knowing me, she briefly looked optimistic.
“Certainly,” she said, nodding. “What is it?”
“The Bible is 2,000 years old,” I said. “It says if you follow the words of the book, you’ll be rewarded with heaven.” She nodded again, though less enthusiastically. I don’t think she liked the use of numbers here.
“So that means millions of souls, going way back to the caveman, didn’t know about the Bible, or even Christianity,” I said. “So do they go to heaven or hell?”
She actually perked up and began thumbing through the Bible, explaining that Jehovah’s Witnesses believe those who died before Christ actually are dead. But that they would all be resurrected on Christ’s return and be judged by Him accordingly (though I’m still a little vague on what constitutes a good caveman soul).
Now the questions flew out so quickly I needed verbal Depends. “Ok,” I asked. “How about this: Every year, nine million children under the age of five die (it’s actually more, 21 a minute, according to UNICEF stats), most from preventable causes. If I could put a stop to that, I would. Why doesn’t he?”
She didn’t hesitate and smiled. “I can tell you’ve thought a lot about this,” Virginia said. “But remember: God gave man a choice. Man can choose God’s path, or he can reject it. And you’re right; man has done awful things to man. But that is because of the choice that man has made. You don’t think God killed those children, do you?”
Open mouth, insert foot.
“But God created man — and every instinct we have,” I responded. “God could have given us a rabies shot against hate and didn’t. I think he is the greatest mass murderer on Earth.”
She closed the book, offered another sincere smile. “Well,” she said. “We’ll just have to agree to disagree.”
“I don’t agree to that!” I mock-shouted in a futile attempt to insert humor. Virginia laughed, though her colleague, who was silent though the exchange, simply scowled. Virginia and I actually seemed to enjoy the talk: We expressed our honest feelings — and appreciated an exchange that didn’t end in shouts or bitterness. Her colleague, however, clearly saw me as an uninformed heathen and was ready to leave.
I hope Virginia comes back. I have more questions. And she engages more thoughtfully than any believer I’ve ever met. Most non-believers, too.
But I give a reunion about a snowball’s chance in hell.
Whew. That was close.
We almost didn’t survive our final round of political chemotherapy: The confirmation today of Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court.
Please understand: I don’t think Kavanaugh should be anywhere near a federal bench. Or a public bench near a bar, for that matter. Brett Kavanaugh deserves to be a stunt groin in kung fu movies.
But his confirmation was critical to diagnosing just how serious our cancer is. We ingested a president that brags of taking women by the vagina. Not considering the personal allegations, Kavanaugh’s sworn testimony that he believes that one of America’s two political parties orchestrates “hit jobs” demonstrated how metastatic our illness. So long Roe v. Wade and affirmative action. Your runs were noble.
But it’s best for Kavanaugh’s confirmation to come a month before the midterms. (It would have been better if Jeff Flake didn’t feign being conflicted and waste America’s time with a GOP investigation of itself). Still, for a news cycle that has the attention of a carnival goldfish, the confirmation will seem a gazy recollection. (At least for news; not, certainly, anyone who wants an abortion or a job).
So it’s up to us to remember come radiation therapy day Nov. 6. But whatever the outcome, we asked for it.
Who could claim to be swindled? Now all political cards, on both sides, are on the table.
The right was willing — pardon the pun — to shove Kavanaugh’s nomination down our throats, demonstrating where Republicans feel a woman’s place is. That is strategy incarnate: The party is betting that enough women will agree with them, galvanized by an odd support for the judge. A Quinnipiac Poll about the believability of Kavanaugh versus Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, conducted before Saturday’s confirmation turned prophetic:
- 80% of black voters believe Dr. Ford over Kavanaugh, as do 66% of hispanic voters. Only 40% of white voters do.
- When split by gender, 46% of white women believe Dr. Ford and 43% believe Kavanaugh, a statistically insignificant difference.
- Only 37% of white men believe Dr. Ford.
What a snapshot of America.
Of course, the left has plenty of self-inflicted wounds of its own, namely the desire to silence those who disagree with them (is that the serotonin of power?) Most recently, the New Yorker, an otherwise sublime publication, proved itself gutless by disinviting Steve Bannon to its annual “Festival of Ideas” this fall. If that’s not the heavyweight of idea discussions, what is? But celebs threatened to boycott the festival, and Economic Darwinism took over.
New Yorker editor David Remnick quickly disinvited Bannon, saying in a statement: “I don’t want well-meaning readers and staff members to think I’ve ignored their concerns. I’ve thought this through and talked to colleagues — and I’ve reconsidered.” Not to engage in hard questioning because celebs will be offended? Turn in your press badge, motherfucker. 
So the cards are on the table. Both sides are supposedly stoked for battle. #metoo versus #notnow.
How dramatic. Why, it almost feels like a TV show.
The Hollywood Bowles 